Waxing Nostalgic

I was going through some old emails the other day and came across an email I wrote to my kids on the occasion of one of them graduating from high school. This is a slightly edited and slightly depersonalized version of that email:

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Graduating high school is an important milestone in life. It’s a time to look back over what has been accomplished, but also a time to look forward to the start of a new season of life, one with greater freedom but also greater responsibilities. Of course, having a child graduate high school is also a time for a parent to reflect on the past and look to the future. Having another child graduate high school makes me a bit nostalgic — in fact, it got me thinking back on my own high school graduation.

My memories of high school are mostly very positive — a lot of good times with good friends. There were certainly all kinds of things that were hard, difficult, awkward, and painful at the time, but those memories have not survived as much as the happy ones, and for that I am grateful. A lot of the things that seemed so important at the time have long since faded away, and over the years I’ve found that most of the things my elders were trying to tell me when I was 18 were in fact true, even if I was skeptical at the time. One thing that’s fun to do when you are a lot older is look back at your yearbook and see just how much has changed, not only in yourself  but in the world. I have not really stayed in touch with any friends from high school (going to college a long way from home, and then moving multiple times will do that), but there are some interesting things in my old ’91 yearbook. In the yearbook at your school, parents write notes for their seniors kids (which is probably a much better way to do things), but in my high school we students got to write our own notes as seniors. My note thanked friends and family for 4 great years, and included two quotations. While I was certainly not a fount of wisdom at age 18, I actually still like both the quotations I chose for the yearbook. Let me tell you about them.

The first quotation was from a Rolling Stones song called “Shine a Light.” The Rolling Stones are not exactly a reliable source of good advice (just the opposite in fact!), but there was a line in this song that struck me and stuck with me from the very first time I heard it: “Make every song you sing your favorite tune.” The whole line from the song goes this way: “May the good Lord shine a light on you, make every song you sing your favorite tune. May the good Lord shine a light on you, warm like the evening sun.” This lyric always hit me as one of those cases where there was actually a lot more being said than the writer/singer could have intended or realized. For me, the line took on a life of its own in my imagination. This has become (at least for me) one of those situations where something redemptive was found in a very unlikely place.

What does it mean to “make every song you sing your favorite tune”? I don’t know exactly what the Stones had in mind with that line (the song is about the death of a band member), but to me, it was something of a metaphor for life. It was a metaphor for all the good and bad we’re called to deal with in life, and then doing all we can to make the best of it all. It means something like this: “Whatever things you have to do in life, do your best to enjoy them, to make each one your favorite thing to do. You’ll like some songs God calls you to sing, and they’re easy to enjoy. But even when God gives you a difficult tune to sing, make the most of it. Whatever God calls you to do in this moment, make it your very favorite thing to do. Whatever work God assigns you to do today, don’t complain about it, but make this day your favorite day, the best day it can be, the best day ever.” I think that’s a good way to live. It is certainly similar to a major theme in Ecclesiastes, where Solomon tells us that life is a vapor, an uncontrollable mist that is here to day and gone tomorrow, and yet also calls on us to make the most of each day, enjoying whatever God gives us in the moment: “Vapor of vapor, says the Preacher, all is vapor….Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved of what you do” (Ecclesiastes 1:2; 9:7).  In Ecclesiastes, we find that life is full of mystery, and sometimes those mysteries are dark. We cannot understand why God does what he does in our lives or in history. His ways are beyond finding out. Our lives are not under our control. We can never get any leverage over life, no matter how hard we work or how wise we become. We can no more control our lives than we can shepherd the wind. And yet, in the midst of all of those things in life that can be difficult and bewildering, God calls us to joy. God calls us to embrace the happy and sad in each day as his gift for our good. God calls us to give him thanks, to trust him, to live each day to the fullest, to make the most of every opportunity, to find the good in everything, to see the thread of goodness and grace that runs through everything and ties everything together. Yes, God calls us to make every song we sing our favorite tune. God gives us a lot of different songs to sing through the course of our lives, but he wants us to enjoy each one. He wants us to be content with life, with where we are each moment. Always remember: There are people who have it much worse than you, but have flourished. And there are people who have had it much better than you, and been mired in misery. The issue is not your circumstances (the song you’re given to sing); the issue your attitude and outlook as a singer (will you make this song your favorite?). 

Of course, this line, “make every song you sing your favorite tune tune” has also come in handy as a pastor (I even used it in a sermon once). Sometimes when someone complains about a particular hymn we sing at church, I’ll cheerfully reply with something like, “Hey, do your best to make every song we sing your favorite tune! Even if it’s not your favorite, sing it as if it were. Even if you don’t particularly like this hymn, you can still use it to praise God with the rest of his people.” Again, I think this is good advice that applies to all kinds of things in life. For example: Sometimes we do not feel the way we should. What should we do in these situations? “Fake it til you make it,” as C. S. Lewis would say. Do what you should do, act the way you should act, and your feelings will eventually catch up. Smile, even when you’re not as happy as you know you should be. Give thanks, even when you’re not feeling particularly grateful. Pray, even when God feels distant. Laugh, even when life is hard. Act humble, even when you’re good and you know you’re good. Act confident, even after you’ve messed up for the one hundredth time and you’re wondering if you’ll ever do anything right. Stay poised, even when your feelings tell you life is falling apart. Do the right thing, even when you feel like you have lost your way. Act with purpose even when life feels hopeless and meaningless. Resist the urge to lash out at someone, even when you feel your anger is justified. In short: Do what you should do, not what you feel like doing. Sing God’s song, not your own. Sing the song God gives you to sing, rather than creating your own songs. Don’t trust your feelings — feelings can mislead and deceive — instead, trust God and his Word. Don’t obey your feelings — indeed, at times you have to defy your feelings. Instead, obey God. If we find that God has us singing a lot of songs in life that we don’t particularly enjoy, it may be that God is trying to teach us something new, perhaps he’s stretching us in new directions to strengthen us. One thing I have learned is that if you make the best of a very difficult situation, you usually won’t be in that situation for very long. A good deal of wisdom is found in coming to terms with life as it is, not as it could have been, not as we might wish it to be. But whatever life God gives each of us, he calls us to make the best of it that we can. He calls us to live this life, the life we are given, to the fullest. Some people may be dealt better hands than others, but we’re all called to play the best game we can, with as much joy as we can, for as long as we can. If life is going to be a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, you might as well throw your hands up and enjoy the ride! That’s what it means to “make every song you sing your favorite tune.”

The second quotation I put in the yearbook was anonymous: “If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep.” I don’t remember where I had heard this line — I probably read it in a book at some point — but it stuck with me as well. I was actually a morning person back then, whereas now I obviously tend to be a night-owl and am definitely not a morning person. But that doesn’t really matter. The point of the quotation is not really when you set your alarm clock. The point is that we cannot just sit around waiting for something good to happen. We have to get to work. We have to do what we can to make good things happen. We have to make our own breaks in life, as much as possible. When you work hard, you create more opportunities for good things to happen in life, for good breaks to come your way. As Christians, we do not beleive in luck, we believe in providence, but there’s no question that serendipty (unexpected good fortune) seems to follow those who are diligent. If the Rolling Stones’ quotation stressed the reality that we do not get to call our own shots in life, but have to sing the songs God gives us, this quotation emphasizes that we are still free agents who have to be intentional and take responsibility for ourselves. We have aspirations and dreams and desires; insofar as these are not incompatible with righteousness, we should recognize that fulfillment of these aspirations, dreams, and desires is largely in our own hands and there is nothing wrong with pursuing them. Decide where you want to go in life, and then take intentional, directional steps to get there. You will not wake up one day in the place you hoped to be unless you have actually planned to get there and executed on that plan. You cannot stay in your comfort zone and make progress. You want to have a certain job one day? Take the steps you need to get there; plan your work and work your plan. You want to be married one day? There are things you can do to make that goal much more likely to happen, things you can do to make yourself for marriageable/marriage-worthy. You want to be a missionary someday? There are ways to get there, but you have to be intentional and directional in preparing for that future. You want to be out of debt? There are ways to live debt free, but it requires discipline and planning. This is the big point: Decide what you want your life to look like; develop a vision for your life; decide what is actually most important to you — and then act on those things. It is very easy for us to inadvertently live in ways that actually contradict what we would say are our highest priorities and that actually keep us from attaining our goals. Don’t let that happen to you. If you want your dreams to come true…don’t oversleep, get up and get to work!

Of course, hard work does not guarantee success; there are many who work hard and still get hit with tragedies or setbacks or unforeseen and uncontrollable obstacles that keep them from succeeding. But we’re still responsible for working hard, for setting goals and doing all we can to achieve them, for striving to seize the day every day. And the good news is, more often than not, God governs his universe in such a way that those who do work hard get ahead and rise towards the top. So, yes, if you want your dreams to come true, you better be ready to work hard. The quotation I used in the yearbook reminds me of another quotation I heard recently: “How long does it take to become an overnight success? About 10 years.” Remember that when you see others succeeding, it is almost always the result of hard work over the long haul. You see the results, but not the effort behind the results; you see the trophy, but not the sweat that made it possible; you see the final success, but not the early mornings and late nights that went into it; you see the highlight reel, but not all the missteps and mundane steps along the way.

Too many people don’t really accomplish as much as they could in life because instead of striving for their dreams, they are trying to avoid their nightmares. They are more fearful of failure than they are zealous for success. Fear of failure can paralyze us into inaction and indecision. It can keep us from taking risks that we need to take, it can lead us to bury our talents rather than using them. The truth is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying hard and failing. Indeed, many times I think God is happier with us in the midst of failure than he is with us when we find easy success. Failure is a necessary and inevitable stepping stone on the wauy to success. And of course, the goal should never be mere success in the world’s way of defining success. The real goal should be service — service to God and to neighbor. The real goal should be excellence — doing whatever job God has given us to do as best we can. The goal should not be staying busy but actually getting things that matter done. 

Each of you has tremendous potential. Each of you is gifted. Each of you has worked very hard. My prayer for each of you is that you will learn more and more to live each day to God’s glory in the fullest possible way, squeezing as much life and joy out of each day as possible. My prayer for each of you is that God’s Word will shape and refine your vision for life and your dreams for the future — and then you will live out that vision and fulfill those dreams because God has enabled you to work hard, to make good decisions, to live with intentionality, direction, and purpose.

I know your mom and I have not been perfect parents — far from it! But we are full of love for each of you. We rejoice and delight in you. Your successes bring us just as much happiness as they bring you. Your failures hurt us just as much as they hurt you. But we want to be there for you, through thick and thin, to laugh and cry, to rejoice and lament. Don’t be afraid to share your failures even as you share your successes with us. At times, we may have put too much pressure on you. Or we may have let you get away with things we should not have. But it has always been our singular aim to raise you as faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and each one of you is walking with him. For that we are grateful — we are grateful to each of you for your faithfulness, and especially to our great God and Savior who has showered us with grace. Please forgive our failings, be patient with us as we continue to grow, and believe the best about intentions towards you. May God bless us all.

Love,
Dad