If you are a Christian in an unhappy marriage and you believe you have just and biblical grounds for divorce, you need to seek out your session’s counsel and submit to their judgment in the matter. You cannot grant yourself grounds for divorce. Neither your counselor nor therapist has any authority to grant you grounds for divorce. Your friends cannot grant you grounds. Only a church court (your session) can do that. A faithful session will investigate the matter, give wise counsel, and determine if there are indeed biblical grounds for divorce.
After your session has settled the matter, if they judge you do in fact have biblical grounds, you can choose to pursue divorce in the civil courts. But not before then. (Divorce court and family law rarely reflect biblical principles in our day, so that’s another issue that may need to be addressed.)
The session may have to deal with the discipline of an unrepentant spouse. The session may decide it’s wise to attempt reconciliation over a longer period of time. There are many variables – but the main thing is that church members must recognize and respect the authority of the session in such matters. Divorce is not a private matter, left to individual judgment. You should have the approval of your session before filing or going to court.
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The responses to my posts on divorce are troubling.
It’s interesting that many people want the church involved when they get married. They marry in a sanctuary. A pastor officiates.
But they believe they can choose to dissolve their marriage with no oversight or counsel or involvement from the church. Why is that?
In the presbyterian tradition of which I am a part, church members take vows to submit to the government and discipline of the church. My posts are nothing new for those who have been in traditional presbyterian churches. I’m just saying you should do what you promised to do. Submit to your elders. No, their authority is not absolute. But they are your overseers.
As I said in this thread, the session does not create grounds for divorce. The session applies the Bible to the facts of the case. If there has been adultery, there are grounds for divorce. Period. Reconciliation is possible, but the victim gets to decide how to proceed. In the case of desertion (which would include things like physical abuse, not just abandonment), there are grounds. If the adulterer or deserter is not repentant, church discipline will also be part of the process (assuming this spouse is a church member). Exodus 21:10-11 is also relevant to the question of grounds, eg, withholding sex or due provision can become grounds.
But my original post was not about what constitutes biblical grounds. It was about the moral structure and authority involved in coming to the conclusion as to what constitutes grounds. Again, some cases are clear, such as adultery. Others, as any pastor or ruling elder will tell you, are murkier.
I have seen numerous cases (not in my church, but other conservative presbyterian churches) where someone chose to get divorced without the oversight or counsel or approval of a session. There were no clear cut biblical grounds. There was just a sense of unhappiness which was used to justify the action. That ought not to be happening in our churches. Your elders are there for your good. Seek out their shepherding.
Obviously many people have had bad experiences with churches. Some sessions were too harsh, others too lenient. Some biased on favor of the wife, some biased on favor of the man. Some with a terribly unbiblical understanding of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. That’s a shame. I pray for reform and maturation in our churches. I would also point out that the church you join really does matter. Join a church where you respect and trust the pastor and elders to take care of your soul. You are required to obey your elders; they are required to give an account of your soul (Hebrews 13).
One great feature of presbyterianism is that everyone is accountable. If a local session makes an error in judgment, you can appeal that to presbytery.
One final note on physical abuse (because this issue always gets raised in these discussions): If your spouse physically harms you, (1) call the police, (2) call the elders, (3) call a good divorce attorney.
For more on what constitutes grounds for divorce, see:
trinity-pres.net/audio/sermon10…
trinity-pres.net/audio/10-10-10…
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Another note on this topic.
The position I outlined in my original post is essentially what you find in Westminster Confession 24.6:
“VI. Although the corruption of man be such as is apt to study arguments, unduly to put asunder those whom God hath joined together in marriage; yet nothing but adultery, or such wilful desertion as can no way be remedied by the Church or civil magistrate, is cause sufficient of dissolving the bond of marriage; wherein a public and orderly course of proceeding is to be observed; and the persons concerned in it, not left to their own wills and discretion in their own case.”
The church has a role in seeking to remedy (help) broken marriages. Further, when it comes to making the decision to divorce, persons are “not left to their own wills and discretion in their own case.”
It’s not enough to say “if my spouse commits adultery, I can divorce without talking to my session.” Sometimes the facts of the case are in dispute. Sometimes people make false accusations. Sometimes (eg, if the adulterer is unrepentant), there is a formal course of church discipline to pursue. If there has been adultery, it’s important for the church’s session to know and acknowledge that so everyone in the congregation will know the innocent party is free to remarry after the divorce; the session’s involvement in the case is a protection for the innocent party against rumors and gossip. Etc. Marriage is never simply a private matter. For Christians, the formation and dissolution of a marriage involves all three major institutions – family, church, and state.
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In Exodus 21:10-11, a man is required to provide food, clothing, and sex to his wife (even if she is a second wife). If he refuses to provide these things, she is free to divorce him.
1 Corinthians 7:1ff teaches sex is mutual obligation/right within marriage. Sexual refusal by either spouse is a sin in many situations — the only exception Paul specifically states is when the couple consents together to forgo sex for the sake of prayer.
There is a well known example recounted by historian Edmund Morgan of a Puritan congregation in Boston excommunicating a man (yes, a man!) for failing to have sex with his wife over a two year period. Before the rise of no-fault sex, many states included sexual refusal as grounds for lawful divorce.
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The church is not necessary to marriage. Non-Christians marry and divorce all the time.
But for Christians, historically, the church has been involved, and for good reasons. Anyone who had a pastor perform their ceremony has implicitly granted the church a role – and if the church has a role in forming the marriage, it stands to reason the church would be involved in the (potential) dissolution of the marriage. Plus, church discipline certainly applies here in sexual and marital matters. The church does not allow for no-fault divorce even if the state does.
There’s a much bigger discussion to be had here about the intersection of family, church, and state – perhaps I can address that more later.
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Some sessions err in one direction, other session err in the other direction, still others get it right. My post is about the structure of authority and accountability, not what would constitute biblical grounds, which is a distinct discussion.
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