Emotions

Emotions are not neutral. Feelings are implicit, reflexive judgments about ourselves, others, and/or the world.

If I love something, I judge it worthy of my love. If I feel angry about something, it is because I perceive a situation as unjust or somehow disordered. If I feel joy, it’s because judge that my experience of the world in that moment approximates my ideal for human life. If I am sad, it is because I judge something is wrong with the world; things are not the way they ought to be.

The judgments built into my emotions may be right or wrong; what I feel in any given moment reveals a great deal of my character and worldview. But feelings must not be regarded as morally neutral.

Emotions are judgments, but that means emotions must be judged. We cannot simply say, as so many therapist and counselors train people to do today, “My feelings are always valid. I feel what I feel and I cannot help it.” And we especially must never say, “My feelings must always be validated by others.” No! Your feelings, like your actions, must be judged and assessed according to a standard. And that standard is Scripture.

It’s easy to think that we are not responsible for our feelings because feelings seem to “just happen” to us. But you are still responsible for your emotions because the kind of person you are – the kind of personal character you have developed – determines your emotional reflexes. A person who has developed self-control will be able to control his emotions (and therefore his words, mannerisms, and actions) in a heated discussion in a way that a person who has not developed emotional self-control cannot. Both persons are confronted with the same dispute, but one remains sober-minded and reasonable while the other flies off the handle in a fit of rage. The difference is not their circumstance, the difference is in their respective levels of virtue.

In mothering and fathering young children, it is important that parents aim at teaching emotional self-discipline. In most situations in life, there is a right way to feel and a wrong way to feel. Training children in emotional righteousness, or emotional sanctification, is not popular in our day but it must be done if we want our children to mature into wise adults. Children who never learn emotional wisdom are handicapped for life. They struggle with poise under pressure. They vomit up emotions on others, which can make relationships hard. They struggle with conflict and confrontation. And so on.

I completed youth Sunday School class on emotions in 2018, which you can find here.

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Have you mastered your emotions, or do they master you? Do you obey your emotions, or do you make your emotions obey God?

The goal is not stoicism (though some situations call for a man to be stoic).

The goal is not to be non-emotional.

The goal is for our emotions to conform to God’s standard – to be joyful, or angry, or to grieve, etc., in the proper ways, to the proper degree, and expressed in the proper form.

Emotions don’t get to be autonomous.

Emotions shouldn’t be allowed to rule your life or relationships.

Emotions need to bend the knee to Jesus.

Emotions need to be synced to reality.

Many people today think you cannot control your emotions so you aren’t really responsible for them – emotions “just are” – and every emotion should be validated.

No Christian should think that way.

Emotions can and must be trained.

This is a matter of self-control (a fruit of the Spirit) and being sober minded (commanded by Paul).

Do not confuse emotional intensity with spiritual maturity.

A worship service can be emotionally intense and it is possible those emotions can have nothing to do with truth, as they can be manipulated or manufactured, etc. Emotional displays in worship do not automatically signal a vibrant, mature faith. 

Do not confuse feelings with the Holy Spirit.

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Our culture needs a much better understanding of emotions.

Only weak people get “triggered.” If you describe yourself as “triggered,” you are advertising your emotional immaturity and instability. Mature people can control their emotional impulses and reactions because they are emotionally resilient. They are not passive towards their emotions; they work to sculpt their emotions into a Christ-like shape. The do not let their emotions run wild; they tame and direct their emotions, they cultivate godly emotions.

Do you submit to your emotions or to God? Or to put it another way: Do you submit your emotions to God, or let them function autonomously? Either God will rule your life or your emotions will rule your life. 

Lack of emotional control kills relationships. If you have unregulated emotion, you need to realize you are emotionally vomiting on other people. It’s disgusting. The world will tell you that your feelings should always be validated by others and no one can tell you how to feel; on the contrary, your emotions should be evaluated (rather than validated) and God in his Word has commanded you to feel certain ways in certain situations. Train your feelings to obey God, to bow before his Word. When it’s time to rejoice, rejoice. When it’s time grieve, grieve. That’s what Jesus did.

One of the best gifts you can give your children is being a well-disciplined, emotionally regulated mom or dad. I’ve often paraphrased the gist of Edwin Friedman’s work as “In order to lead, you have to be the calmest person in the room.” This applies to mothering and fathering. Far too many parents lose teachable moments and undermine the effectiveness of parental discipline by not staying emotional controlled when their child is disobedient. If you lose your cool when your child sins, you are the one really in need of discipline. If you are undisciplined, you really cannot effectively discipline your own child. You are going to have to fix yourself first. Good parents are panic-resistant and anxiety-resistant; they parent out of faith, not fear. They can train their children because they have trained themselves.