Edwin Friedman is one of the best authors to read on leadership. In several places, he makes the point that in order to lead well, a leader has to not only raise his own threshold for pain, but his willingness to endure someone else’s pain as well. This is why empathy can be so destructive to leadership – an overly empathetic leader will never be able to say hard things that need to be said, or make a hard decision that might offend others, because he simply cannot stand to see others in pain. A leader has to see the mission, the big picture, the goal, and recognize there is no way to get there without going through pain himself, and allowing (or even causing) pain in the lives of others around him. Nothing good comes apart from sacrifice, and sacrifice always involves some measure of pain. A leader has to do hard things himself; he also has to get others to do hard things, or put them through hard things. There is a kind of softness that sabotages real leadership.
Obviously, we want to avoid pain in our own lives and the lives of others when possible. In general, we know we should relieve suffering, not cause it. But sometimes doing the right thing is going to be painful for us and for others. The old cliche, “no pain, no gain,” is true, in both the physical realm and the spiritual realm. No goal can be fulfilled, no mission can be accomplished, apart from a process that includes pain.
A pastor who will not inflict pain by saying hard things from the Word of God to his congregation is failing to lead and shepherd them well. Preaching the Word requires teaching truths that have an edge, that are sharp and angular. Preaching cuts. Preaching can be painful – for the preacher and the hearer. A session that refuses to excommunicate an apostate member because it will hurt and offend his other family members is gripped more by fear of man than fear of God. Such a session has a failure of nerve. Empathy prevents faithfulness. A father who will not spank his child because he cannot bring himself to inflict pain actually hates his child, as Proverbs says, and is setting his child up for failure. His child needs to learn to associate sin with pain. He needs to learn the way of the transgressor is hard. The rod does that like nothing else. A good father inflicts pain so he can raise a good son. A good father can tell his son “no” and mean it. A coach who will not inflict the pain of difficult conditioning drills on his team is setting them up for failure down the road. He will never get the most out of his players because he prioritized ease over winning. He is not training his team to maximize their potential and he is not holding them accountable. Comfort in the present makes success in the future impossible. Pain in the present makes glory in the future possible. There is no other way.
God inflicts pain in the lives of children to discipline them for their good. God sometimes allows his children to cry out in pain for a long time before finally answering – and this is for our ultimate good. God is not controlled by empathy, but by his purpose to make us like his Son, and that requires our suffering. God is not cold-hearted, but neither is he a celestial therapist or cosmic Santa Claus. He does not practice “gentle parenting” and he does not coddle his children. There is no growth or maturation without discipline, and discipline is always painful (Hebrews 12). Everything in life worth having requires work, and work is painful. Everything in life worth having requires sacrifice, and sacrifice is painful. Our heavenly Father makes our lives like an obstacle course, not because he is a sadist but because he loves us and wants what is best for us in the long run. God is playing the long game. He wants his children to be strong, wise, and tough. Discipline is a form of love – tough love, as it’s been called.
Bring this back to leadership. Leadership requires a high pain threshold. A true leader sees that pain is part of the process. Pain in the present can lead to glory in the future. If you simply cannot withstand pain in your own life, you cannot grow, and if you cannot endure seeing others in pain, you cannot lead.
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