A note on a wife’s submission to her husband:
Egalitarians push the concept of “mutual submission” based on Ephesians 5:21. The grammatical problems with this way of reading that text have been pointed out many times by the better commentators. The egalitarian reading of the text is a novel interpretation. It’s a reading of the text driven by an agenda, not by the actual words. And it is, frankly, asinine.
“Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” does not mean everyone submitting to everyone, which would be absurd. It is a command to respect the various hierarchies God has built into his world (the word “hierarchy” means “sacred order”). It is a call to respect and live within the good order God has established. It is a command to obey the divine design.
Paul spells out what “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” looks like in various domains in 5:22-6:4. Wives submit to husbands, children to parents, and slaves to masters. It would be absurd to say these relationships can be flipped around in the name of “mutual submission.” Submission only goes in one direction, in the nature of the case. In each of these three domains, Paul uses the word “submit” or it’s near synonym “obey” of only one group — the group under authority. He never reverses the order. He never tells husbands to submit their wives, parents to obey their children, or masters to obey their slaves.
The relationship most under attack today is the husband/wife relationship. To speak of wives submitting to husbands is anathema in our feminist, egalitarian world. And yet this is precisely why it is urgent for the topic to be addressed.
Consider in more detail what the New Testament teaches wives on this topic:
Right after Paul sets up this section (Ephesians 5:22-6:4) in Ephesians 5:21 with his language of “submitting to one another,” Paul tells wives to “submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” in 5:22. The verb “submit” in verse 22 is borrowed from verse 21, indicating Paul is now unpacking what he has commanded in verse 21. The first case of submitting to an authority is that of wife to husband. This is Paul’s first illustration of what “submitting to one another out of reverence to Christ” looks like.
Again, Paul never reverses the command by telling husbands to submit to their wives, which is what we would expect if the mutual submission doctrine was true. Instead, Paul’s commands to husbands and wives are asymmetrical and sex-specific. The husband and wife are not interchangeable pieces; they have specific roles to play – specific dance steps, if you will – that complement one another.
According to Paul, wives fear Christ by living in submission to their husbands. This is God’s good order and design. When a woman refuses to submit to her husband she is refusing to submit to Christ. This makes sense — he is the Christ-figure in the marriage so submission to her husband portrays the church’s submission to Christ. Gospel symbolism is built into the marital relationship. When a wife refuses to obey her husband, she is refusing to obey God. She is in rebellion. She is preaching a false gospel by the way she lives in her marriage.
A couple verses later, Paul adds, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:24). Again, a wife who refuses to submit to her husband is lying about the church’s relationship to Christ. Christ does not want an unsubmissive bride, and neither does any right-thinking Christian husband. Husband and wife each have their part to play.
He takes his cues from Christ, she takes her cues from the church. He is the head, the leader, the ruler, with responsibility and authority. He is to love, cherish, and nourish her as Christ does the church. He is to protect and provide for her.
Likewise, she is to submit to him in a way analogous to the church’s submission to Christ. The word “to submit” is a military term; it describes military order. In a military context, no one would suggest “mutual submission.” Obviously marriage is not the same as the military, but Paul borrows the word from one context and inserts into another context because it fits.
(On the other hand, maybe marriage should be understood as a kind of weapon in the church’s spiritual warfare against the principalities and powers. After addressing the the three domains in which he calls for submission, he launches into his most extended discussion of spiritual warfare in 6:10ff. Christian marriage is a key way we fight against the schemes of the devil. And thus, Paul is not stretching to use a military term to describe the wife’s posture towards her husband — she fights against cosmic powers of darkness precisely by ordering her life under her husband’s overarching headship. She is his “battle-mate” in this spiritual warfare, but in the Lord’s army, he outranks her, so she submits to his lead. One of the primary ways the principalities and powers manifest themselves today is in the anti-creational, anti-gospel ideology of feminism. The Christian wife fights against this ideology precisely by submitting to he husband.)
Some wives will object: “How can I submit to my husband? He is a fallible man. His judgment and decision-making aren’t perfect. How can I submit to a sinful man?” But of course God knew all husbands would be mistake-prone sinners when he gave this command to wives. The text is very clear: the wife is to submit to her husband “in everything.” Wives have no excuses for disobeying their husbands in any normal circumstance. The same objection can be raised in any domain in which authority is a reality. How can children be expected to obey fallible parents, slaves fallible masters, church members fallible pastors and elders, citizens fallible civil magistrates, players fallible coaches, musicians fallible orchestra conductors, etc.? Yes, all human authorities are fallible and therefore none are absolute. Only God exercises infallible, absolute authority. Nevertheless, God commands us to obey the fallible authorities he sets over us. We never disobey an authority that commands us to disobey a clear command from God, but otherwise, he expects us to obey, even when it is difficult.
The word “submission” is essentially synonymous with the word “obedience.” To put it in its simplest terms, it means doing what you are told. Again, granting the obvious qualifications that would apply to any human authority (eg, being commanded to sin), wives should submit to their husbands in everything. He has a real authority over her, given by God, grounded in creation, symbolic of the gospel, and enforced in his Word. Thus, in pleasing her husband, she pleases Christ and honors the divine design.
Paul repeats this command to wives in Colossians 3:18: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” The instructions to husbands and wives are much briefer in Colossians 3 than Ephesians 5; it’s as if Paul has distilled Ephesians 5:22ff down to its barest and most practical essentials. There is no preface about “submitting to one another” in Colossians 3, so there is no wiggle room for the egalitarian or feminist looking for an “out” with some kind of mutual submission doctrine. In fact, the Colossians household code proves that mutual submission is not in view in Ephesians 5 because it is entirely absent. Paul says a wife’s submission is “fitting” – that is to say, it fits her nature as a woman, it fits the kind of relationship marriage is, and it fits the gospel symbolism built into marriage.
The same is true of Titus 2. Older women are to teach younger women, “to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” This list is essentially the exact opposite of what feminism teaches young women to do today.
Note the younger women need to be taught how to submit to their husbands. It is not something that will come naturally or easily in a fallen world. Older women who teach younger women they do not need to submit to their husbands, or who teach “mutual submission,” are false teachers. Young women should steer clear of such Jezebels who will do nothing but train young women to blaspheme the word of God. When a wife reviles her husband, she is actually reviling God’s Word.
Submission is essentially obedience. We see this in Hebrews 13:17, which uses both terms in the context of church authority. Peter uses both categories more or less interchangeably in 1 Peter 3. Echoing Paul, he begins, “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands.” The “likewise” points back to the previous section, where Peter counseled obedience of Christians in general to civil magistrates, even evil magistrates, which may require suffering. In 1 Peter 3, Peter is dealing with a special case — a Christian woman married to a nonbeliever. Even in such cases, the general rule of wifely submission still applies, though there may be more exceptions to the rule.
Peter links this submission to the beauty of true femininity — a woman’s real power is found in displaying the heart-beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. Note this is the exact opposite of what feminism teaches women about power. The biblical view and the feminist view could not be more opposed to one another. They are mirror images. A wife maximizes her power, especially her influence with her husband, precisely by being quiet, gentle, and submissive to him. It is remarkable that so many women never tap into the amazing power of true femininity. Today’s woman might try to tap into “girl boss” power by competing with her husband, viewing herself as his rival rather than his helper. Today’s woman might tap into the power of her sexuality, like the immodest and boisterous harlot in Proverbs 7, using devious means to attract the wrong kind of male attention. But in our world today, the power of genuine feminine beauty remains largely under utilized. Many women are missing out — and are all too often miserable — precisely for this reason.
The reality is that the softness and beauty of real femininity inspires male loyalty and sacrifice the way nothing else can. That’s really Peter’s whole point — the way a woman can bring out the best in her husband, perhaps even converting him if he is an unbeliever, is through a godly display of femininity. Femininity may be a “soft” power, but is certainly a power. The way a woman can maximize fulfillment in her marriage is by being quiet, gentle, and submissive towards her husband. Her outward adornment — her physical beauty — matters, and she should work with what God gave her to maximize it in ways consistent with modesty. But as Proverbs 31 reminds us, a woman’s physical beauty is vaporous — it is fleeting. Her real and lasting strength is found in a submissive, feminine demeanor. Heart beauty is vastly superior to physical beauty. Feminism and egalitarianism deny this paradox about true feminine strength, and as a result modern women are weak and powerless in all the ways that really matter.
Peter continues, pointing to Sara as the model. Of course Sara was married to a believer (indeed, the father of the faithful). And her track record as a submissive wife was hardly perfect — the one time Abraham and Sara practiced role reversal and Abraham submitted to his wife rather than the other way around, in Genesis 16, it proved to be a disaster. But when Sara obeyed her husband, such as lying to Pharaoh and Abimelech, God blessed her (I believe these were cases of righteous deception). It’s as if there is a circle of blessing drawn around the wife and the way she stays inside that circle of blessing is by doing what her husband commands. When she steps outside of that circle, she is not only outside the protection and covering of her husband, she is outside the place of God’s favor.
This is what Peter says: “For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.” Note a couple things here.
First, Peter links wives obeying their husbands to wives trusting God. A wife’s obedience to to her husband is not just a function of her trust in him. It’s a function of her trust in God, specifically God’s design for marriage. Egalitarians who teach “mutual submission” rather than wifely submission are failing to trust God and his order. They think they know better than God. They are wrong, of course. Trusting God’s design of the husband’s headship is a way for a wife to live without fear or terror (1 Peter 3:6). Again there is a paradox here than feminists simply cannot grasp — many women live in fear today precisely because they refuse to trust the divine design for marriage and refuse to submit to their husbands.
Second, the submission in view is manifested in explicitly practical ways. For example, Sara manifested her submission to Abraham by calling him her “lord” (cf. Genesis 18:12). She recognized that he imaged the Lord to her – and so her obedience to him imaged the obedience of God’s people to the Lord himself. By obeying her lord, she was obeying her Lord. Women don’t have to literally call their husbands “lord” today — but the thought of doing so should not be laughable or horrifying. Wives should openly honor and respect their husbands.
A few final notes.
First, the mutual submission doctrine has been the source of all kinds of confusion in marriage. What does it mean to “mutually submit” when two people disagree? It’s non-sense. You cannot have a functioning democracy of two people. The “mutual submission” doctrine leaves couples at an impasse with no way to resolve disputes. I’ve pointed out that a certain kind of feminism, in which the woman tries to be co-head with her husband, turns marriage into a two-headed body — and anything with two heads is a monster. But the “mutual submission” teaching makes marriage into a headless body — also a scary creature. A marriage with no head is a marriage with no direction, no leadership, no vision. Mutual submission leads to chaos, disorder, confusion, and power struggle. It breeds and rivalry and score-keeping. It is not fitting in any way. It takes God’s good institution of marriage and makes a mess of it. The Scripture could not be more plain: Wives must submit to their husbands. Wives must obey their husbands. Wives must be quiet and gentle towards their husbands. It’s black and white, clear cut, obvious, explicit. There is absolutely nothing ambiguous about God’s instructions to wives. Arguing with this point is arguing with God himself.
Second, it should be noted that the same language is used for wives as children but this does not make wives into children. Paul commands children to obey their fathers in Ephesians 6. Peter commands wives to obey husbands in 1 Peter 3. But obviously the kind of oberience in view is suited to the nature of the relationship and the persons involved. A parent does not consult with a small child before giving a command. The child should obey without giving any input. Of course, parents should recognize the nature of their child and not give commands that will exasperate. But when given a command, a young child should obey without any questioning or pushback. The husband/wife relationship is different. A husband should usually consult with his wife before making major decisions for his household. He is the authority but he is open to feedback and counsel. This makes sense, given what marriage is: She is given to him as his helper according to Genesis 2 and his Lady Wisdom according to Proverbs. He would be a fool to not take counsel with her. He needs her input and insight. The decision is his but God gave her to him precisely because he needs the help she has to offer. In that sense, she can offer respectful pushback and question him before he reaches his final decision (unlike a young child). He is to live with her in understanding and he must honor her as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7). Her wishes should matter to him. Yes, she must obey, but she has a say in what he commands. Peter even gives a warning: if a man will not listen to his wife, God will not listen to his prayers. So, yes, she is required to obey him, and when he makes a decision, her job is to do all in her power to make that decision a success. But in the meantime, she can “pray” to him – petitioning him, reasoning with him, offering her perspective and prudence to him. She can take her concerns and cares to him. Submission does not make her a doormat and headship does not make him a tyrant. He should invite her to talk back to him in respectful ways. Many a wife has saved her husband from an idiotic decision by giving respectful pushback, and wise patriarchs will always recognize this fact about their wives. If she trusts God, she will submit to him in everything as her head. If he trusts God, he will recognize God has given her to him as his helper — and he will admit he needs all the genuine help he can get.
Finally, when a wife takes an unsubmissive posture towards her husband, she is depolarizing her marriage and diminishing the natural attraction between them. Women need to understand what men find attractive about women — and it’s not just her feminine form and face, but her feminine posture and demeanor. A “hard” woman – the kind of women created by feminist ideology – is not endearing to her husband. A masculinized woman is making her husband gay. Men are not attarcted to masculine characteristics in women. This is why the rise in “strong, independent women” correlates with crashing marriage rates. Woman are not offering what men want. How can she expect him to be passionately in love with a woman who has abandoned femininity in order to be all the things he is supposed to be? Obviously the man must do his part to cultivate her attraction to him as well — he must display masculine strength, he must use his strength to protect and provide for her, he must love and cherish her as Christ does the church, he should be growing in dominion and competence, and so on. But she has to do her part, by creating a warm feminine place for him to land in their home. Her femininity gives to him precisely the glory that he lacks on his own. And nothing is more glorious in a woman than a quiet, gentle, and submissive spirit. Wives tend to vastly underestimate how much value a peaceful, ordered home. A woman who lives out her feminine nature and exhibits feminine energy is an immeasurable blessing to her husband (and children), and in any normal situation, will spike her husband’s attraction towards her.
The question for Christian wives is simple? Do you trust God? Do you trust that God knows best? If so, obey your husband. In submitting to him, you submit to Christ. In respecting him, you respect Christ.
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